Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do: 1.They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. 2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that. 3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too. 4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus. Undocumented Error Codes The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation. WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. ***WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available ** TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE 95 IN WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR 10. The number of floppies it will ship on. 9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required 7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual. 6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS 5. The number of minutes to install 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run 3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade 2. MHz required for the OS to run. 1. The year it was DUE to ship. -- from the Cyberscope section in Newsweek, 10/31/94 Did you know that Microsoft Word 6.0 suggests "jingoish" as the correct spelling of "Gingrich?" Hey, maybe MS Word isn`t so bad after all! :) --Richard J. Renomeron-------------------renomero@ece.rutgers.edu-- Pa se nekaj naslovov: http://www.oeh.uni-linz.ac.at:8001/~chris/HATE/ http://www.tach.net/public/personal/scpayne/ihatewin/ihatewin.html http://www.uib.no/People/wolf/grana/winhate.html If Microsoft Built Cars... The top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars: (drumroll, please...) 1.A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year, instead of before. 2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3.Occasionally your car would just die for no reason,and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4.You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 5.You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car... Wait a sec, it's that way now! 6.Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7.The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single ``General Car Fault'' warning light. 8.People would get excited about the ``new'' features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9.We would still be waiting on the ``6000 sux 58' '' model to come out. 10.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft GasTM. 11.Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur. 12.The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them. 13.New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass. 14.Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models. Windows C Code Auther Unknown... I have hacked into Microsoft and stolen their Windows 3.11 code and here it is. I am sure that they would love any improvements for the next version. #include #include #include char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; main() { if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it Chicago)\n"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(1) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); if (rand() < 0.9) crash(complete_system); } return(unrecoverable_system); } * Press -- to continue ... * All computers wait at the same speed. * Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster. * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... * (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? * The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. * Best file compression around: "DEL * .* " == 100% compression * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. (samo za stromarje) * COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key /* * Microsoft marketing algorithm. */ #include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days, " we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memory chip plant" "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe) { arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist); when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH); } release(beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce(more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy"); } } if (there_is_another_company) { steal(their_ideas); accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas); hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem); laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix(void) { charge(a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */ } } Windows Rhapsody (Music by Queen) Is this the real OS? Is this just a bad dream? Caught in the byte-slide, No escape from reality. Open your eyes, Look up on the screen and see, You're just a rich man, you need no simpathy, Because You're a MS fan, Billy freak, little bullie, very rich. Any way the disk spins, really, really matters to me, to me. Mama, my windows crashed, got an error on my screen, Clicked Okay and now they are dead. Mama, fun has just begun, But now they're gone and blown all away. Mama, ooh, Didn't mean to make them die, If I will click this button again this time tommorow, Carry on, carry on as if it really, really mattered. Too late, my time has come, My Windows just had crashed, and my work was trashed. Goodbye, ev'rybody, I've got to go, Gotta leave this all behind and get some real stuff. Mama, ooh, I don't want to cry, But, I sometimes wish they haven't been made at all. I see a little silhouetto of a Bill, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the new upgrade. Crashing doze and booting, very, very fright'ning me. (Galileo.) Galileo. (Galileo.) Galileo, Galileo figaro ALT-F4. You're just a rich Bill, everybody hates you. He's just a rich Bill from a rich family, Spare us from him and his monstrosity. They will crash, they will freeze, will you let them go. Bismillah! No, we will not let them go. (Let them go!) Bismillah! We will not let them go. (Let them go!) Bismillah! We will not let them go. (Let them go.) Will not let them go. (Let them go.) Will not let them go. (Let them go.) Ah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Oh mama mia, mama mia.) Mama mia, let them go. Beelzebub has a window put aside for me, for me, for me. So you think you can crash and freeze all the time. So you think I will suffer and I will whine. Oh, Billie, can't do this to me, Billie, Just gotta get out, just gotta get and install the Stuff. Really, really matters, Everyone can see, Really, really matters, Really, really matters to me. Any way the disk spins. Ce bi Microsoft izdeloval avtomobile... 1. Vsakokrat, ko bi prebarvali crte na cesti, bi moral kupiti nov avto. 2. Obcasno bi vas avto brez razloga umrl na cesti in imeli bi eno samo moznost: "Restart and drive on." 3. Macintosh bi delal avtomobile na sonce, 2x zanesljivejse, 5x hitrejse in ki bi jih bilo 2x lazje voziti - vendar bi se lahko z njimi vozili le po 5% cest. 4. Macintosh avtomobili bi imeli Microsoftove nadgradnje, zaradi katerih bi bili mnogo pocasnejsi. 5. Ce si ne bi mogel privosciti lastnega avtomobila, bi si sposodil prijateljevega in ga skopiral. 6. Vsakokrat ko bi hotel uporabljati avto, bi moral nekaj dni prej popraviti vzig. 7. Obstajal bi "Engine Pro" z dodanimi Turbo Boosterji,vendar bi bil pocasnejsi na vecini cest. 8. Lucke za olje, gorivo in pregrevanje bi bile zamenjane z eno samo z imenom "General Car Fault." 9. Vsi bi morali presedlati na Microsoftovo gorivo, ki bi imelo najboljso embalazo, vendar bi bilo dalec slabse od drugih. 10.Novi sedezi bi vse prisilili v to, da bi imeli riti enake velikosti. 11.Varnostna vreca bi vas pred sprozitvijo vprasala: "Are you sure?" 12.Ce bi bil udelezen v nesreci, nikoli ne bi vedel, kaj se je zgodilo. 13.Za voznjo po vzporednih avtocestah bi morali kupiti posebno nadgradnjo. 14.Ce bi vozili star model avtomobila kot npr. AvtoDOS 6.22 ali AvtoWIN 3.11 bi veljali za staromodne, vendar bi se lahko vozili hitreje in po vec cestah. Inspired by Netscape's bold steps, Microsoft decided to make the source code for Windows 98 available to the general public. For all that are interested, it is reproduced here in its entirety: /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1994 */ #include "win31.h" #include "win95.h" #include "evenmore.h" #include "oldstuff.h" #include "billrulz.h" #define INSTALL = HARD char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() { while(!CRASHED) { display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) { make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) { display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); } } if (detect_cache()) disable_cache(); if (fast_cpu()) { set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); } /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */ printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt); else system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something) { sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); } create_general_protection_fault(); } WINDOWS 95 SUX ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, I bought it up, brought Windows home excited, boot it up. But when I load it up, it says my memory, it's not enough. I've been running out, I need some extra RAM to fix me up. I have to caught it up. Open my wallet up, it never stops, never stops, never stops, never stops. This Windows 95 is suckin' up my drive. It makes a penny of five. But my PC is obsolete, I'll have to buy myself a brand new machine. Bring it up. Stick it up, You set me in and now you got me hooked, you got me, you got me. There's so much stuff to buy, I need a new hard drive. It's gonna suck me dry. My 386 don't have the speed. It takes an hour just to bring up the screeeeeen. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no! I'm making a software pies. Wow! It's making Bill Gates come... Yoh, yoh! You make a rich man come... I'm So Xsighted (from "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters) Lyrics by Dianna Piersall Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen Tonight we'll put all other things aside Finish on time, and find the doc release form We're going for the index in the night. I want to use X, abuse X, wrap my headphones tight I want to doc X, crash X, I just can't get enough And if it takes all night, I'll get it done I'm so Xsighted, and I just can't stand it I'm about to use a window and I think I like it I'm so Xsighted, and I just can't hide it But I think, I think, I think, I think, I think I just closed it We shouldn't even think about tomorrow When we find the schedule's slipped yet again We'll have a good time baby, though Doug's worried And if we leave a few bugs, well, that's just fine Let's get Xsighted, we just can't fight it (no, no, no) I'm about to iconify and I think I like it I'm so Xsighted, and I just can't stop it (no, no, no) Although, although, although, although I just killed it Ooohh, oohh (Musical interlude) Oooh, boy... I want to use X, abuse X, wrap my headphones tight I want to doc X, crash X, I just can't get enough And if it takes all night, I'll get it done I'm so Xsighted, and I just can't stand it I'm about to use clean_screen and I think I like it (Oh, yeah!!) I'm so Xsighted, and I just can't hide it But you know, you know, you know, you know, you know I just crashed it Ohhh, yeah!